Sometimes we just need a break to deal with our shit

    I recently decided to take a break from social media and the stress associated with it. It wasn't something I consciously decided. But it made sense when I realized I hadn't posted in two days while I focused on the parts of my life that were weighing me down. One thing I have discovered about myself is that at heart I am a writer. Emotions that I keep locked inside because I do not know how to express them verbally spill out on the page when I decide to write. And I realized I haven't been writing much. I stopped journaling and writing this blog. I put my book on hold. And although my social media posts are writing for inspiration, I haven't been feeling very inspired lately because there are parts of me dealing with struggles I can't express. So for the last two weeks, I've turned away from social media to be more present and deal with my shit. And naturally, part of dealing for me is writing. So here I am back on my blog sharing my story. I hope parts of it resonate with you in some way. 

    I feel like this chapter of my life all started two years ago. My whole world changed in 2020. Dealing with the Covid quarantine and the whole world going crazy was only part of it. I had two injuries that sidelined me from powerlifting, lost my mother to cancer, a month later my brother died from an accidental overdose, and in the midst of all that grief and pain, I found myself struggling with problems at home and a feeling that my marriage was falling apart. I sank into a depression that was deeper than I realized. I let myself go, gained weight, cried, a lot, and had to force myself to be around people because it was better than being alone with my thoughts. I don't think I realized the depth of my grief until now. I felt stuck, anxious, regretful, betrayed, and depressed all at once. I had a really difficult time expressing what I was feeling to myself, let alone anyone else. I couldn't dig myself out of the grief. And then to have problems at home on the heels of these losses I felt like I was drowning and couldn't get my head above water. A friend told me that you only stay stuck as long as you allow yourself to be. Meanwhile, I felt like I was in the deep end and she was standing on my shoulders pushing me down while telling me to swim harder. I was a mess.

    I did a lot of thinking, overthinking, girl talk over wine, and reading or listening to podcasts and audiobooks. And when 2021 came I realized I had to take my own advice and make the decision to change my situation. I wanted my power back. I wanted to be happy and healthy again. That's when I found my way back to the gym and training. I had let myself go so badly that I gained over 40 lbs. I wanted the old me back and I knew the only way that was going to happen was to commit to the gym. So I joined a challenge and kicked butt losing 28 lbs in 12 weeks. I kept at it and lost another 15 lbs before the summer was over. I started to reconnect with my gym family and even made some new connections with powerlifters and bodybuilders who inspire me daily. I was feeling like my old self, was making diet and training my priorities, and felt most at home when I was at the gym. When the fall came I started going for new strength goals and killed every single one. And when 2022 came around I told my trainer I was ready for a bigger goal and wanted to compete on stage before the year is over. 

    But while all these positive things were happening to me I felt unhappy and displaced. And it wasn't until recently that I realized that I never really got over what happened in my marriage in 2020 and it was still affecting me. That unhappiness and a longing for something more created an internal struggle for me and I started to spend more time at the gym where I was most happy and less time at home dealing with my shit. I started to get this pang in my chest. a longing for something more, like the need to finish something important. Two weeks ago, as I sat in an Airbnb all alone and snowed in I came to realize I was distracting myself. I needed to write. I needed to finish the book I started. And what was distracting me and ultimately stopping me from doing that was the fact that I wasn't dealing with what was in front of me. That the only way the pang in my chest would cease is if I dealt with my shit, figured out how I really felt, and told the people who needed to hear what was on my mind and in my heart. I had been carrying it around for too long. And when the time came I asked my mom to help me put into words what was on my mind. I needed to be heard not judged or argued with. And if on the other side of that conversation things did not change or my feelings were the same then at least I knew I did what I needed to do. The conversation went so much better than I expected or imagined. 

    I'm still trying to figure things out but I am being more intentional and focused on what's important, looking for signs from the universe for the next right thing, and focusing on doing me and doing what makes me happy. A big part of that is setting my intentions each day, focusing on my goals, being present, writing, and staying off social media. For now. 

When the pain of loss gets you stuck...

 It has been 9 days since I sat at my mother's bedside and held her hand as she took her last breath. It had been the hardest thing for me to sit and watch her suffer after the cancer became untreatable. I would whisper to her how much I loved her and that we would be ok. I wanted her to find peace and to not suffer. So the morning she passed I thought I would feel relieved. I thought we'd all be ok. But in the moment she died I felt relief, yes, but also sorrow, regret, anger, anxiety, confusion, and emptiness all at once. And for the last 9 days, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Some days I feel like I'll be fine, that life goes on and my mom would be the first person to tell me to keep reaching for my goals. Other days I'm on the edge of a breakdown, every little thing tugs at my ability to control how I'm feeling and I find myself overreacting to the little things and then breaking down because I couldn't control it. And still, other days I'll be fine, wake up, do my morning process, and even get back to the business of my life when I get distracted and lose my motivation. My mind knows that I need to keep going and that my mom wants me to be happy and not to struggle but my heart feels like it will never stop aching and before I know it I'm sitting on my front porch, sipping on a glass of Merlot, curled up listening to the sounds of nature while I write this blog post. Writing has always been my escape and I have to admit that I don't do it often enough.

If you have ever experienced the pain of loss you can probably relate to how I am feeling. Its a feeling of emptiness, like a piece of your heart was stolen and you can't get it back. You find yourself focusing on the 'what ifs', 'whys?' and 'should haves' and wondering about the 'could have beens.' You reminisce and laugh and then suddenly cry. You come across a picture, a trinket, or a scent that draws a memory and an emotional response. You sometimes feel out of control and lost. Loss is a powerful thing that is so raw and real. Loss is never easy and everyone deals with loss very differently. I have a tendency to turn inward before I reach out to others. And I am fortunate to have a network of family and friends who reach out to me even when I am not in the mind space to talk to anyone. If you are one of them, thank you. I turn inward thinking no one can possibly understand the pain and confusion I am feeling. Or I get stuck in feelings of regret and 'what if's' and then find myself in the mindset of 'I can't'. I can't get out of bed, I can't work out, I can't focus on my business, I can't deal. I feel rewired and don't remember what it feels like to be 'normal' so I struggle to get back to it. Does this sound like you?

Losing my mother has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. And I have dealt with hard things in my life. An abusive marriage, an ugly divorce, family members with opioid addiction, two miscarriages, and struggles with my own health. And over the last few years, I've learned to deal with the hard from a place of gratitude, understanding, grace, and grit. I can do hard things. Everyone can do hard things if they set their mind to it. As a coach and teacher, I teach that having a positive mindset doesn't mean you are always positive and happy. It means you approach things with positivity and get through the hard knowing things will get better. So when I found it so hard to get to the other side of this I started to question why I was struggling. And the truth is because it is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and it is taking time to process.

But today was a turning point for me. I started off the day feeling very emotional. I told my husband when he left for work that I felt like a basketcase. I know what I want. I know what my mom would want for me but I couldn't seem to wrap my heart around getting back to normal. My heart has wanted to stay in a place that feels safe and sad. And as crazy as that sounds I was finding comfort in my sorrow. And when I thought about the reality of that I realized that I was reverting back to the victim's mindset that I had years ago when I thought I had no control over my happiness and blamed every negative thing in my life on my abusive marriage. As unhappy as I was, it was easier and more comfortable to stay than to leave. Now comparing my mindset after the death of my mom to my mindset when dealing with abuse may seem like a stretch but not really. In both cases, I felt comfortable staying put and not dealing with my emotions or moving forward for positive change.

So today when my dad reassured me that I'm doing better than I think I am, I started to reflect on how I was doing well and what positive things I had accomplished. I started to reevaluate and decided I needed to revisit my why and rewrite my goals. And then one very close friend of mine said something that struck me today. Tammy and met through coaching and have become best friends. I am convinced we were sisters in a former life because although we have only known each other for a few months, it is as if we've been friends our entire life. I explained to Tammy how I have felt stuck and I can't seem to get back to doing what I do and this is what she told me...

She told me to remember that I will be stuck until I decide to be unstuck. I read that and was like 'whoa.' But she reminded me of one very important thing I learned awhile ago.

She reminded me that I am the creator of my own happiness and I have control if I choose it. That I have to remind myself that my mom would not want me to struggle. That the universe mirrors everything you put out and that the state you’re in is what you get more of. When I think back 10 years ago when I was struggling in an abusive marriage and did not have a positive bone in my body, convinced I was stuck in an impossible situation, everything seemed to go wrong. It was only when I decided to take control of my life and happiness at all costs that I saw a change in what was happening in my life. And so I think about what my mom would say if she were in the room with me right now. And she would tell me to move on, go for my dreams, and make her proud. She would remind me of how proud of me she is of how far I have come and how much she loves me. I know I will always miss her terribly. And I know life will go on regardless of what I choose to do.

So today I choose to be unstuck. I choose to find the strength to move to the other side of this sadness. I choose to honor my mom by conquering my goals and because I know that is what she would want. It will be hard. But I can do hard things. I have my mother's strength.

Step into your strength

 "𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗮 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵."

𝗜 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲. 𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗜 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗮𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴. 𝗜𝗻 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝘁, 𝗜 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗳𝗲𝗹𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗲𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗼𝗼𝗺.

I didn't feel strong mentally or emotionally, let alone physically. In fact, when I started my journey I was 221 lbs and all I wanted was to lose weight and finally feel healthy. When I look back it took mental and emotional strength to survive an abusive marriage and make the decision to leave. But it was through my journey that I discovered my true strength in mind and body. And before I knew it I wanted to be stronger even still.

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That's what this community is about. The journey. The journey to find your strength, whatever that looks like. Maybe your strength is physical, maybe your strength is finding a way to move out of a bad situation, maybe your strength is to get through your treatment. Whatever it is. This community of wellness warriors is right there with you, supporting you, cheering you on, all on our own journeys.

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All stepping into our own strength.

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All there for each other and meeting you where you are at.

Dial in your nutrition, get results

 𝗚𝗢𝗢𝗗 𝗡𝗨𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡 = 𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗨𝗟𝗧𝗦. 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗼𝗱. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗹𝗲 𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗻𝘂𝘁𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗹 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲. 𝗜'𝘃𝗲 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘄𝗮𝘆.

For the last 5 weeks, I have used excuses every day that I go off plan even a little bit. I've WANTED to eat right but when it comes down to it, wanting is not doing. And if I haven't prepped my meals and it's mealtime the easy choice wins. And usually, the easy choice is not a healthy choice.

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So it's time to dial in on nutrition and make those workouts count! I'm back to meal planning and prepping. Sunday is the best day for prepping. Grocery pick-up on Friday. Then Saturday or Sunday prep veggies and roast them and prepare meal containers for 7 days of breakfast and lunch. Easy snacks are planned out and ready. The dinner menu is planned out.

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Planning and prepping your nutrition each week take a few hours out of your weekend but saves so much time in the long run. And you are worth the time.

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I help my wellness warriors learn how to eat delicious food and stay on plan and guide them through meal planning and prep. Today I thought to myself, time to get back at it so I can be the example my warriors need and that is just what I am doing.

Wellness is a journey, not a destination

 "𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭. 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭. 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬. 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐜𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐬." ~ 𝐮𝐧𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧

Wellness is a journey, not a destination. Have I made progress? Yes. I've lost 55+ lbs. I've changed my entire mindset. I've learned to eat right and made daily fitness a priority.

But I am not perfect. Not by a long shot.

In the last 3 weeks, I have eaten more junk than ever since starting my journey two years ago. And I've missed a few days of workouts. I've even found myself feeling negative and depressed over everything around me.

No. I am not perfect.

But I'm not looking to be perfect. I aim to make progress. And progress can show up in so many ways. You know what? Today I didn't want to get up at 6 am to do a workout. But I did anyway. And I'm glad I did. Two years ago I would have said, "screw it" and hit the snooze button. Progress.

And this morning for breakfast I chose eggs over pancakes. In the past pancakes would win hands down every time and did win a few times in the last few weeks. Progress.

I also put myself into a positive mindset by writing in my gratitude journal. I always had an excuse for not journaling in the past. Now, it's a non-negotiable. Progress.

And when it comes to my workouts I've gotten out of my comfort zone and tried things I know I totally suck at like today's yoga session. I still suck at it and have terrible balance but I did my best and tried. Progress.

Transformation happens a little bit at a time. And it is effort and consistency and showing up every day that amounts to progress. Bring the effort and stay the course. Don't give up. Be consistent. And work towards perfection and you will end up seeing progress. But don't be perfect. Be YOU.

Dealing with migraines

     There’s nothing quite like a migraine headache. And this afternoon was one of those days. I came home from a long day at school with my head pounding. Every sound echoed. Every bit of light felt piercing and the little voice of a 5-year-old excited to tell me about his good day would on any other day be music to my ears but today felt like jabs to my head.  A migraine can drop you in your tracks and put you down. Every sound, light, and movement can add to the pain. For me, even traveling in a car can make the pain worse and even cause nausea. 

So what is a migraine? 

Now, first of all, I want to make it clear that I am not a doctor nor am I an expert in migraine headaches. I am only speaking from personal experience and hope to help others in the process. That being said migraine is more than just a headache. Migraine symptoms include a pounding headache, nausea, vomiting, and light sensitivity and are often treated with antinausea drugs and abortive or preventive medications. Headache remedies include pain relievers. But if you are like me and try to avoid processed foods, artificial chemicals and don’t like putting medications in your body unless it is absolutely necessary there are alternative approaches to pain relief that may appeal to you. But before deciding on a treatment its important to understand what is triggering your migraines. 

Years ago when my headaches started my doctor gave me a list of common triggers and then told me to keep a headache journal for 2 weeks documenting any and all headaches and the circumstances that surrounded when they were occurring. We discovered that triggers for my headaches were lack of sleep, travel, changes in the weather (particularly when low-pressure systems are moving in), high levels of stress and yogurt. Yes. Yogurt is a trigger for me if I eat it too often. So I highly recommend doing a similar exercise in recording and analyzing what your triggers are. A good remedy may be just to identify your triggers and then avoid them. Today my migraine was triggered by a combination of stress, lack of sleep, the weather and then the 40-minute drive home did not help. I also had yogurt for breakfast. It was the perfect storm of triggers some I could have avoided if I had been thinking. But some triggers are hard or impossible to avoid. Or maybe your migraines are triggered by a medical condition and can only be treated with a prescribed medication. But if you do the migraine journal to figure out your triggers you can know more definitively what may be causing the migraine and decide on the course of treatment.

Alternative treatments including acupuncture, massage (my personal fav), relaxation techniques like reflexology and music therapy, meditation (love the Calm app), exercise, spinal manipulation, talk therapy/cognitive behavioral therapy, diet changes, sleep, and keeping up a healthy routine are often approaches to treating migraine pain without medication. It may take a little experimentation to figure out what works for you. Today my migraine was minor compared to some I've had in the past and I was able to treat it simply with a warm compress, peppermint essential oil (one dab on each temple) and rest. But there have been days where I thought I was going to vomit from the pain and the only remedy was a dark, quiet room and peppermint essential oil. I had a friend tell me today that if you put your hands and feet in cold water at the same time it draws the blood flow away from the migraine area and relieves the pressure causing the pain. I have not tried that one yet but may in the future. I've found that for me if I am drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, eating clean foods and avoiding processed foods, artificial ingredients, sugar and eating lots of veggies high in nutrients I tend to have few or no migraines. Lately, I have been all over the place and today it caught up with me. 

The point is to know what is triggering your migraines. Keep a headache journal for a couple weeks and analyze the similarities of the circumstances surrounding each occurrence. Avoid or omit your triggers and see how often you have migraines then. And if they continue and nothing seems to work please, please seek the advice of a doctor or medical professional. 

When you cross the line to ugly and find your way back with intentions...

I am anxious. My heart is pounding. My breathing is hard and I just got done with a mini breakdown and a few tears. I had a moment. We all do at some point. You know. That moment when you realize maybe you are handling it a little irrationally. Moms get it. It happens more often than we probably like to admit. As moms we are expected to have it all together. All. The. Time. But the reality is we don't. And if you say you do I'd venture to guess you are either lying, you have a lot of help or you are in denial. You know what I'm talking about. The days where you hear 'Mom', or in my case 'Mom Mom', every five minutes. Or is it seconds?? When as soon as you sit down or get into your space, again...'Mom!' And every opposition, every objection, every response that is difficult feels like a personal attack.

Today I went to the ugly place. I crossed the line to ugly and regretted it immediately. I realized that what may have started as me just looking for cooperation and not getting it ended up being me going over the top and getting unreasonably reactive. I mean, I actually got into an argument with my husband about the whole situation and there may have been a door slammed and a huge moment of regret for me. What happened and what led up to it is not as important as my moment of clarity on why it happened.

In the midst of it all after slamming that door and feeling that regret, I realized I needed to step away. I needed to take a moment for me. I stepped out onto my front porch (since right now it is an unseasonable 67°) and sat down to just breathe. Yes. I took a few moments to center myself. Once I stopped the tears of regret I closed my eyes and brought myself back to my present. I did a little grounding activity, paid attention to my breathing, relaxed every muscle, listened to every sound around me, felt the breeze, smelled the earth, and thought about how I felt and why I went to the dark side. And the reason was simple. 

I need clarity. 

I need to realize I am enough.

I need to focus on my priorities; self-care, family, goals/dreams, my job.

I need to stop second-guessing myself.

I need to stay positive and remember that my actions make a difference. 

And I need to stop overthinking every single thing. Overthinking is something I do all the time. and it is so damaging to a positive mindset. I've done it at the gym and at work and now I'm doing it at home. When you overthink things as much as I do it starts to seep into everything you do. And eventually, it turns into negative self-talk, doubt, and what happened today. As I sat on my front porch and thought about what was making me anxious I realized it had nothing to do with what had happened. It didn't even have to do with my husband or my grandson. I was anxious because of my own lack of clarity and focus. I was anxious because I had 100 things to do and hadn't accomplished one of them yet. So when you're feeling this way and a five-year-old wants to argue with you the reasons why he shouldn't need to use the bathroom after saying he had to go you have little patience for opposition. To say I was frustrated and didn't handle it well would be an understatement.

So here I sit in front of my computer with a small child curled up next to me trying to snuggle, get my attention and apologize all at once. And to try to explain to him that I've been overthinking and second-guessing myself would be difficult if not impossible. My husband, on the other hand, had to run an errand after I lost it and slammed the door in his face. For him, an apology seems simple. Say you're sorry. Admit you lost it. Tell him you are overwhelmed and overthinking everything. Or maybe just tell him to read this post (wink, wink). 

But how do I keep from losing it again? How do I stay centered? I already know how. I know that you need to be intentional and have goals, set a road map to reach those goals and stick to it. I've learned that with my workouts and powerlifting. I've learned that with both my master's degrees, I've learned that with a lot of things. But when it comes to juggling the personal parts of my life, I have not taken on the same philosophy entirely. But today I realized something. I realized it is necessary. I need to map out my goals for my family and home, and my relationships. I need to have intentions that help me keep my focus. Most importantly I need to remember that I can't control the actions of others. What I do need is to set intentions for how I react or deal with the actions of others when things don't go as expected or planned. 

When you live with intention you significantly increase your chances for success. Intentions give you higher levels of clarity. And when things are clear it's easy to stick to the plan and be successful. Intentions improve your ability to focus. Having clarity will help you stay focused on what (and who) is important and take the right actions. Intentions help you stay calm and confident and be present so you progress faster towards what you want. The higher your clarity and better focus will determine your actions and your consistency in doing the right things. And intentions will help you keep perspective. Which is what I did today. We all have bad days. Sometimes unexpected, or sometimes we are completely blindsided. But if we can keep perspective instead of making assumptions or creating false meaning and making unreasonable accusations, we can always reconnect to our intentions that will help us recommit to what's important, while keeping our eyes on the big picture.