In order to be authentic with others, you need to first get real with yourself. This is something I've struggled with lately. I've got so many ambitions and desires. My vision for 2020 is a big one. It involves a whole-life shift and I'm so ready for it but anxious at the same time. It's the anxiousness that seems to be holding me back and making me lose focus. I came across this picture today and it rang true with me. I need to tell myself the truth. I need to sit down and come clean with my fears and what is making me anxious. I may have lofty goals but that does not mean they are not attainable. I just need to get out of my own way. Get out of my own head. Take a look inward and get real with myself. And the most effective way I can see to achieve that authenticity is to write about it here.
Over the Thanksgiving break, I was lucky enough to have a nice talk with author and writing coach, Sara Connell. I had been waiting to talk with her for over a month anticipating a conversation that would give the writing of my book direction. While in the writing catalyst session with Sara we discussed my vision for my book and my life in general. And what we discussed was how when I look 6-9 months into the future I imagine a much different life. One where I have the freedom to make my own schedule, no need for before school care, no getting up at the ass crack of dawn to drive 45 minutes to work, my book is published, I am a competitive powerlifter, I'm making appearances for a book tour, I have speaking engagements where I am inspiring women to change, I am health coaching and making a difference in people's lives, paying it forward and helping women who feel trapped to get out of their own way and create their happiness. And the biggest piece to this whole vision of freedom and fulfillment would be resigning from my job as a teacher while having financial contentment where the bills are paid and I don't have to worry about car payments and student loans. A scary thought when my income and main source of financial stability has been my teaching career for the last 23 years.
I want this vision so badly I can taste it. I've worked hard to get where I am with my own personal and professional development and I continue to work at it. But if I am being completely honest with myself, as hard as I am working I am not committed the 100% I need to be to be successful in my health coaching, in writing my book, in training for powerlifting and achieving this freedom and fulfillment I so badly crave. I'm overwhelmed, to say the least. Full-time teacher, wife, and mom, raising my grandson, powerlifting training, writing a book, blog and lesson plans, health coaching, cardio workouts at home, meal prepping and nutrition, building a business, making contact with potential clients and following up, and still having time for family, sleep and relaxation maintaining the life balance that is so essential to my sanity. My focus is all over the place, to say the least.
So today I sat down and decided it was time to get real.
I need to take control of the different facets of my life, get honest about what's working and where I am wasting time on things that don't matter, figure out where I am not as responsible as I could be with my goals. Getting honest leads to making positive changes. I realized this is not just a good idea but something that is necessary at this point in my journey.
It is my powerlifting training that made me realize I needed to take a step back and assess the situation. Because when life gets overwhelming it impacts my powerlifting performance in a negative way. If you are not familiar with powerlifting let me explain. Powerlifting is a strength sport but it is not just physical strength. Physical strength won't mean anything if you are not in it mentally. A positive mindset can go far in powerlifting but even one negative thought can crush you. Case in point, I am currently in the midst of a 12-week prep for my very first competitive powerlifting meet in January. Training has been progressing nicely with all three of my lifts. Every week I have been crushing my goals and adding weight in back squats, deadlifts, and bench press. That is until two weeks ago with my squats on leg day. My coach had been adding 5 to 10 lbs each week for the first month of training. I had slowly worked up to 185 lbs (a max personal record for me). Then two weeks ago I pushed the weight to 190 lbs and for some reason, doubt entered my mind and I started to think negative like I couldn't squat that weight. (which is absurd because you don't lose strength in a week's time over 5 lbs) But still, I started to question my technique and form, over-analyzing my depth, and wondering if my stance was correct. And I failed. I didn't get the depth I needed to get the momentum to push back up. And according to my coach I was actually putting my knees at risk by not going deep enough because the pressure of the weight was going to my knees instead of my quads and glutes. So to add to the negativity and doubt I was worried about getting injured. And my failure to do a good set 2 weeks in a row at 190 lbs and 195 lbs snowballed into days of overthinking and doubt. Mentally I was in a bad place. I was scared to squat. It was in the midst of all this doubt and negativity that I started to look inward and realized I was being unsuccessful in other parts of my life too. Failure to make progress on my book. Failure to make my goals in building my business and this feeling of being overburdened with responsibilities and there never seemed to be enough time.
Time. Or lack of time really. Sara and I had talked about what could hold me back from bringing my vision to fruition. And the biggest roadblock was time. There never seemed to be enough time in the day to be mom, teacher, health coach, writer, mentor, powerlifter, wife and me. So I had to figure out how to make more time (if it was even possible?!)
I truly believe that the biggest thing that can drive the change I seek is to finish my book. I have not written or worked on it in months although it is always at the forefront of my mind. The task is daunting. I have 11 chapters planned, 4 1/2 chapters written, 2 more chapters outlined and a slew of ideas in my notes. I don't want to say I never have time to work on it because really, I do. I just haven't made it the priority. I keep thinking...when my health coaching takes off and I have more freedom in my schedule I will have time to write. In reality, finishing the book and getting it published can be something that drives people to want to work with me as their health coach, lead to speaking engagements and workshops and ultimately give me the feeling of fulfillment that I am longing for. Working with Sara Connell will provide the road map to make this happen. So no matter what, my priority has to be to do whatever it takes to make working with Sara possible, and soon.
In order to work with Sara, I need to be able to pay her for her services. So, for now, I need to continue at my teaching job. I know better than to leave a good job before I have something else lined up. But at this point I'm going through the motions, trying to convince myself that it is enough but at the same time my heart is not in it anymore. On most days I have to convince myself that it isn't as bad as I think. But I plan my lessons, grade assignments, and teach all through a lens of boredom. I love my students on most days but working with teens today is frustrating and the landscape of education has changed so much in the last 23 years that it is not the same career I signed on to. I've tried to combine my teaching with my passion for healthy living by co-advising a new club, The Health & Wellness Club. And although I'm loving it, it's not enough. I don't get excited about going to work like I have in the past. So my mission is to do my job well and use it as my motivation and drive to move forward with my health coaching business until I am in the position to hire Sara.
My health coaching business has so much potential. But like any other business, I need to put in time and energy. My personal health and wellness journey led me to the Institute of Integrative Nutrition (IIN) and health coaching. When I finished the program in September I spent time building a website for my new venture, looked into how to funnel clients to the site and set up services like accountability groups, consultations, and one-on-one health coaching. All that work led to a handful of consultations but no new clients. So I decided to apply for health coaching jobs and discovered I was either going to make a lot less than what I make as a teacher or I was under-qualified.
My search led me to a health coaching team in N.J. that was looking for health coaches to mentor and help build their business. I was intrigued and excited. I joined this incredible community of coaches and wellness warriors who all have the same mindset and are motivating and inspiring. I have completed the mentorship program with an amazingly successful coach. And now I reach out to potential clients, post on social media, create events and wellness groups, answer questions and work the programs personally. But still no long term clients. I realize that building a business means more work than payout in the beginning and as much as I am doing I now realize I am not doing enough. I am not ALL in but I have to be. And in order to do that I need to follow my daily check-list, make daily contacts, check-in, follow the program, stay consistent and be determined. I've watched other coaches do this and help so many people and the difference between me and them is they put in more time and more work than I do. I need to surround myself with these successful coaches and feed off their energy and enthusiasm.
What it boils down to is making time. And to make more time I need to get organized. After years of teaching being organized means having visuals; my 'why' and goals posted where I can see them. Check-list and daily goals, a set time to do each task; training, cardio, business building, and writing. And most importantly, a daily affirmation made publicly. 'I am' statements that build my confidence and drive my success. THIS is what I need to do to make my vision a reality. It's time to get real with myself and being real means admitting I need to do more, get organized, reach higher, get inspired, surround myself with positive, uplifting people, remember that I am enough, and stick to a plan. This is my affirmation. This is my mission.
