When the pain of loss gets you stuck...

 It has been 9 days since I sat at my mother's bedside and held her hand as she took her last breath. It had been the hardest thing for me to sit and watch her suffer after the cancer became untreatable. I would whisper to her how much I loved her and that we would be ok. I wanted her to find peace and to not suffer. So the morning she passed I thought I would feel relieved. I thought we'd all be ok. But in the moment she died I felt relief, yes, but also sorrow, regret, anger, anxiety, confusion, and emptiness all at once. And for the last 9 days, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Some days I feel like I'll be fine, that life goes on and my mom would be the first person to tell me to keep reaching for my goals. Other days I'm on the edge of a breakdown, every little thing tugs at my ability to control how I'm feeling and I find myself overreacting to the little things and then breaking down because I couldn't control it. And still, other days I'll be fine, wake up, do my morning process, and even get back to the business of my life when I get distracted and lose my motivation. My mind knows that I need to keep going and that my mom wants me to be happy and not to struggle but my heart feels like it will never stop aching and before I know it I'm sitting on my front porch, sipping on a glass of Merlot, curled up listening to the sounds of nature while I write this blog post. Writing has always been my escape and I have to admit that I don't do it often enough.

If you have ever experienced the pain of loss you can probably relate to how I am feeling. Its a feeling of emptiness, like a piece of your heart was stolen and you can't get it back. You find yourself focusing on the 'what ifs', 'whys?' and 'should haves' and wondering about the 'could have beens.' You reminisce and laugh and then suddenly cry. You come across a picture, a trinket, or a scent that draws a memory and an emotional response. You sometimes feel out of control and lost. Loss is a powerful thing that is so raw and real. Loss is never easy and everyone deals with loss very differently. I have a tendency to turn inward before I reach out to others. And I am fortunate to have a network of family and friends who reach out to me even when I am not in the mind space to talk to anyone. If you are one of them, thank you. I turn inward thinking no one can possibly understand the pain and confusion I am feeling. Or I get stuck in feelings of regret and 'what if's' and then find myself in the mindset of 'I can't'. I can't get out of bed, I can't work out, I can't focus on my business, I can't deal. I feel rewired and don't remember what it feels like to be 'normal' so I struggle to get back to it. Does this sound like you?

Losing my mother has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. And I have dealt with hard things in my life. An abusive marriage, an ugly divorce, family members with opioid addiction, two miscarriages, and struggles with my own health. And over the last few years, I've learned to deal with the hard from a place of gratitude, understanding, grace, and grit. I can do hard things. Everyone can do hard things if they set their mind to it. As a coach and teacher, I teach that having a positive mindset doesn't mean you are always positive and happy. It means you approach things with positivity and get through the hard knowing things will get better. So when I found it so hard to get to the other side of this I started to question why I was struggling. And the truth is because it is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and it is taking time to process.

But today was a turning point for me. I started off the day feeling very emotional. I told my husband when he left for work that I felt like a basketcase. I know what I want. I know what my mom would want for me but I couldn't seem to wrap my heart around getting back to normal. My heart has wanted to stay in a place that feels safe and sad. And as crazy as that sounds I was finding comfort in my sorrow. And when I thought about the reality of that I realized that I was reverting back to the victim's mindset that I had years ago when I thought I had no control over my happiness and blamed every negative thing in my life on my abusive marriage. As unhappy as I was, it was easier and more comfortable to stay than to leave. Now comparing my mindset after the death of my mom to my mindset when dealing with abuse may seem like a stretch but not really. In both cases, I felt comfortable staying put and not dealing with my emotions or moving forward for positive change.

So today when my dad reassured me that I'm doing better than I think I am, I started to reflect on how I was doing well and what positive things I had accomplished. I started to reevaluate and decided I needed to revisit my why and rewrite my goals. And then one very close friend of mine said something that struck me today. Tammy and met through coaching and have become best friends. I am convinced we were sisters in a former life because although we have only known each other for a few months, it is as if we've been friends our entire life. I explained to Tammy how I have felt stuck and I can't seem to get back to doing what I do and this is what she told me...

She told me to remember that I will be stuck until I decide to be unstuck. I read that and was like 'whoa.' But she reminded me of one very important thing I learned awhile ago.

She reminded me that I am the creator of my own happiness and I have control if I choose it. That I have to remind myself that my mom would not want me to struggle. That the universe mirrors everything you put out and that the state you’re in is what you get more of. When I think back 10 years ago when I was struggling in an abusive marriage and did not have a positive bone in my body, convinced I was stuck in an impossible situation, everything seemed to go wrong. It was only when I decided to take control of my life and happiness at all costs that I saw a change in what was happening in my life. And so I think about what my mom would say if she were in the room with me right now. And she would tell me to move on, go for my dreams, and make her proud. She would remind me of how proud of me she is of how far I have come and how much she loves me. I know I will always miss her terribly. And I know life will go on regardless of what I choose to do.

So today I choose to be unstuck. I choose to find the strength to move to the other side of this sadness. I choose to honor my mom by conquering my goals and because I know that is what she would want. It will be hard. But I can do hard things. I have my mother's strength.