What a difference a year makes

     It’s amazing the difference a year can make! It was only last year when I joined Muscle Inc. and started to make positive changes in my life. It took me another five months before I started training and really pumped up my motivation and progress. And now, I’m at the gym six days a week, lifting heavy and making max reps in squats and deadlifts, placing in the top 3 of challenges, eating clean, learning good nutrition and doing meal prep and loving every minute of it. 

     It has been a year to remember in my book. In fact, it doesn't feel like it has been a year. Since last January I’ve lost 42 lbs and 14+ inches and I feel amazing. Even better than what I've lost is what I have gained. I am at a point now where I often tell people that the gym fixes everything. I've got a migraine or pain in my shoulder? I go to the gym and do some cardio. The blood flow helps relieve the pain. Feeling exhausted on a Friday after work? I go to the gym and train and I get my second wind. Feeling stressed or overwhelmed? I go to the gym and work out my frustrations training or doing cardio. Fact of the matter is, I feel most comfortable at the gym and training has literally saved my life. Last year I had frequent migraines, tendonitis, bursitis and arthritis (yes all three!) in my shoulder, asthma and aches and pains in my knees, neck, elbows and wrists. I was on medication for my asthma and allergies and pain medication for my shoulder and migraines. Now a year later I rarely take prescription drugs and opt for a workout instead. Eating clean has changed me too. Over Christmas when I fell off the clean wagon for a few days I noticed my skin started to break out (from all the junk I was consuming no doubt). Once I got clean again my skin cleared up. I have more energy now and sleep better. And overall, I have a more positive life focus. I look at life very differently now and have different priorities. Not that I am happy all the time. But that I know even when times are tough that better ones are inevitable. 

     And I'm not done. I won't ever be done. I still have 30 lbs I want to lose and muscle I want to gain. Beyond that I have goals in lifting as well. And as Brandon once said to me, "You're a gym rat now. There will always be another goal." And it's true. I will never be satisfied. I am not at the point yet where I can relax because I'm still transforming. I am 'under construction.' I'm still learning. Training on my own is very different from training with a trainer. But Brandon instilled in me a drive and equipped me with the tools and skills to train on my own. When he left I had eight sessions that we did not finish. So for the last couple weeks I've been working with Marissa from Transform PT. Marissa has a different approach to training than Brandon but works me just as hard. And in just two weeks the next Transformation Challenge begins and I'm hoping it is just the push I need to get to my transformation goals. 

     This year I've been inspired by some pretty amazing people along the way of my journey. People who continue to inspire me including my trainer Brandon, and the trainers at Transform PT, Marissa, Bobby, and Scott. I've found camaraderie with others on their own transformation journeys like, Kimberlee, Nanci, Maggie, Wendy and Raquel. And I could never thank my sister, Anna, enough for talking me into joining Muscle Inc. in the first place. 


     Looking forward I have goals that go beyond the gym. I am happy to be inspiring others to make a change in their lives and want to take it one step further. I've begun writing a book that chronicles the contrast between my life in an abusive first marriage with my positive life focus now and how training has changed my life. I see a future in motivational speaking. I have aspirations to learn more about nutrition and possibly pursue a degree so I can help others embrace a clean and healthy diet. And I also envision a year of gains at the gym going beyond what I ever imagined I was capable of doing and maybe even competing in women's powerlifting. So yes, I am not done and as a gym rat there will always be another goal.  And I am ready for the next leg of this new life I have embraced. 

It's a mental thing

     The last two weeks I have been trying to focus on my workouts and being in the moment when I am at the gym. As Brandon advised me, I put my earbuds in and focus and get it done. It has been almost a month since Brandon moved out to Arizona to pursue the next adventure in his career and it has taken some getting used to on my part. Having spent six days a week with him in November and December, I got used to his constant coaching, mentoring and motivational mantras. Working out on my own is a whole different ball game. On one hand, I don't have the distraction of conversation and I can get my workout done more quickly. But on the other hand, I liked the conversations we would have and working out on my own means being able to recognize when small adjustments need to be made to the workout because I am improving. Brandon continues to guide me in my workouts and nutrition remotely but its not the same thing as him being there in the moment. It is for this reason that I recently realized I need to get into my head and focus on my goals before I actually walk through the gym doors. 

Equipped with the new lifting belt my husband got me,
I thought I was ready for heavy squats and a new
PR but my head wasn't in it.

     I am a gym rat. I know that about myself now. I LOVE going to the gym. I LOVE working out. And I have goals beyond the goals I've already set. Recently, I found myself contemplating the idea of competing in powerlifting some day in the future. Crazy? I think not. And Brandon agrees. I will never be satisfied and will always strive for new personal goals; right now the first of which is to get my weight down another 20-30 pounds to the weight I was most comfortable with in my past while building muscle and getting in kickass shape. But my goals don't stop there. I want to be strong. And I want to prove to myself how strong I am with my lifting. I've never felt so passionate about anything for myself like this before. But in order to reach my goals it's about more than just physical strength. It's about mental strength. 

     I discovered just how mental it is on December 30. Almost two weeks ago I attempted a heavy lifting leg day and disappointed myself when I didn't achieve a new PR (personal record) for a max rep. My previous max was 135 for 2 sets of 8 reps; a milestone achievement for me. (See Squat ass to grass or don't squat at all). So on December 30 my goal was to go up to 145 for 8 reps. But this was my first heavy squat day since December 4, almost a month before. AND it was my first heavy squat day since Brandon moved to Arizona. I went to the gym thinking I was in the right mindset and ready for the workout. When in reality I wasn't. 

     According to Brandon, “You gotta be mentally right for top sets, it’s not something you can just walk into the gym and do! You have to know you’re going to the gym, you have to visualize the set in your head days before, you have to have a specific number and rep range in mind and get it no-matter what!” And on that day I pretty much just walked into the gym thinking I would do it. I woke up that day unsure whether or not I would have time to make it to the gym in the first place because we had family coming over to celebrate a late Christmas. When I realized I had time to go it was rushed and last minute. I hadn't visualized anything when it came to my squats that day. I walked into the gym ready with the lifting belt my husband gave me for Christmas. But that wasn't enough for a successful heavy squat workout. Standing in front of the squat rack looking at myself in the mirror and visualizing the squat minutes before I attempted it was not enough. I didn't realize that at the time but my mind just was not in it.

     I worked up to my previous max weight of 135 lbs (2-45lb plates) by starting with 95 lbs (2-25lb plates) and adding weight until I got to 135 lbs. When I reached 135 (with a spotter at my back) I did what Brandon always called 'the one before the ONE.' One squat at 135. Tight. Clean. Smooth down and then up. But on that day I decided I would do the ONE x 3. And although it had been almost a month those three reps went pretty easy. So you would think that ten pounds more would be no problem. And if my head had been in it, if I had visualized the set days prior and gotten mentally prepared for it, it would have been no problem. My first attempt to do 145 x 8 reps was an epic fail. I got to 3, struggling on the way up on the last rep. When it was over, disappointed with myself, I texted Brandon to tell him that I had failed at getting a new PR.  I decided to wait and try again, thinking the reason was I hadn't had enough of a rest period between sets. I tried again. This time I made it to 5 reps but struggled with the last rep again. When I checked my phone again Brandon had advised me to go down in weight but by that time I had already finished on the rack and moved on. I had disappointed myself to the point that I needed to step away from the barbell. The second exercise on the workout for that day was front squats (a squat with the barbell set across the front of your shoulders) and I didn't even attempt them. When I reported back to Brandon what I had completed for that day's workout he asked me "what does 'not touching this one' mean?" 

     And what it meant was that I had, as I often do, overthought what I had to do. My head wasn't in it. It was a bad squat day. I needed a pep talk. Getting mentally into the exercise requires more than just showing up. After that day's workout I started to think more about what I was going to do at the gym each day, set daily goals and achieve baby steps that add up to bigger goals. Some days the goal may be just to get to the gym. Other days it may be visualizing a set I want to achieve. But in the end mind over matter is what it boils down to. If my head isn't in it, chances are my body won't be either. 

Difficult situations challenge and change us

     "Wim Hof owns two dozen extreme sports world records. He has run a marathon above the Arctic Circle with no shirt on. He has hiked past the death zone on Mount Everest...He's isn't a daredevil. He's just dared to tap the potential we all have inside, by exposing his body to the resistance of extreme natural stressors, so that it - and he - may grow stronger as a result... We could be him if we made some of the same choices he has made. Instead, most of us have shied away from exposure to the acute stress of difficult conditions. We choose cozy over cold, automatic over intentional, and with nothing to harden us, we get soft." 

~ Aubrey Marcus, Own the Day, Own your Life

     While listening to the audiobook Own the Day, Own your Life by Aubrey Marcus, I came across this quote in the beginning chapters of the book. It stuck with me. I hadn't heard of Wim Hof before but he sounded like a person I would love to meet and even hear him speak about pushing the limits and going to extremes in order to grow.  Now, I haven't broken any extreme sports world records but I have pushed myself to the extreme and grown from it. In the last seven months I have pushed myself physically and have grown mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And as I look over the years of my life I realize just how much I have grown sometimes being pushed to the extreme not by choice but by circumstance. As I move forward, I keep striving for the challenge, trying to crush goals and put myself to the test, not choosing comfort over difficult conditions. Because let's be real. The adventure begins at the end of your comfort zone. Difficult or uncomfortable situations challenge and change us but as Aubrey Marcus says in his book, we often choose what is comfortable or in some cases what is convenient. And when we choose comfortable over challenging we don't grow. When I look back over my life there are three circumstances that have helped me grow as a person. First, my relationship with and marriage to my first husband. Second, my relationship with and marriage to my second husband. And third, my friendship and experience with my personal trainer. All three situations put me in uncomfortable or difficult situations in one way or another. And I have grown from each relationship.

     My relationship and marriage to my first husband spanned over twenty years. We met when we were both in our 20's. He was my first real boyfriend. The first guy to ask me if he could kiss me on our first date. He was a drummer and played in a band. I fell for him the first time we spoke. We dated for about a year before I realized his drinking was out of control but by that time I was hooked. I had convinced myself that we were both in our 20's and that it was normal to drink. I ended up pregnant a year later. His drinking persisted. We separated. Got back together. And separated again. What followed after the birth of our son was two decades of a vicious cycle of alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illness and abuse sprinkled with some good times. I stayed focus on raising our son and giving him a happy upbringing which was sometimes difficult to do. Over the years my emotional well being was pushed to the limits. By the end I was defeated, stripped of my self esteem and broken. I had asked myself when my happiness was going to matter because I had spent the better part of 20 years taking care of everybody else. When my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder early on in our relationship, I stood by his side while he went for treatment. I learned everything I could about the disorder, joined chat rooms looking for advise, spoke to friends who had similar experiences and went to every doctor appointment with my husband. In reality nothing I did was enough. It wasn't something that could be simply fixed with meds. It was finding the right combination of meds that worked, knowing that once his body got used to them we would need to change it up and the vicious cycle would start again. It was mood swings, binge drinking, ups and downs, hope when things were going good and crushing disappointment when they suddenly went bad again. In the moment I didn't realize the extremes I was being pushed to emotionally and mentally. But when I look back at that part of my life I realize that I have grown from it. I have learned to be a more caring person. I learned that I cannot fix everyone and that sometimes just being there is enough and other times it doesn't make a difference. I learned that sometimes the best thing you can do is leave. And when I realized how all this affected my son, I learned that love is stronger than we think sometimes.

     When my first marriage ended I met my now second husband. Actually, we had met when we were in our 20's and had dated briefly prior to my meeting my first husband. So it is ironic that he reconnected with me after I left my first husband. In the beginning, our relationship was strained. When we were together and the rest of the world didn't matter I was the happiest I had been in years. He made me feel like I mattered (still does) and it was the little things that made me the happiest like on my birthday when he made dinner and we drank wine and danced in the living room until it was the music stopped. Everything was right with the world. But amidst all the happiness I was dealing with an ugly divorce, jaded ex-husband and an angry teenage son. My decision to leave had turned everyone's world upside down. I dealt with guilt and depression and was pushed to a different kind of emotional extreme. In the beginning my new life was in stark contrast with my old and they were constantly overlapping. The extreme of the situation was coming to terms with how my son felt and realizing that my now second husband didn't understand the unconditional love I felt for my son. It put me in a position I did not like between two people I cared so much about. But I have learned from this extreme situation and have grown as a person from it. I have found that sometimes you need to depend on yourself and stand up for yourself although my emotional growth took a while. It was three and a half years ago when my now husband proposed to me on the Eiffel Tower in Paris and then gave me the fairy tale wedding of my dreams. It was then that my son realized how happy I am. And I am happiest when everyone I care about gets along and when I don't feel like I am in the middle. After seven and a half years I am finally at a point where I feel this way most of the time. Having gone through the difficult, uncomfortable situation helped me grown and learn to speak what I was thinking and how I felt, something I never did in my first marriage.

     In the two and a half years I have been married to my second husband I have learned to focus more on me. It was with this in mind that I joined Muscle Inc last year and then signed up for a personal trainer in June. And working with a personal trainer has given me new focus on what I want to do for me. I had told my husband that 'if I did this (work with a personal trainer) then I was all in. Whatever the trainer suggests, I'm there. Whatever he wants me to do, I'm doing it. Whatever I have to start doing or give up, I was going to start or stop. I wanted to make a lifestyle change and take better care of myself. After 20 + years of putting everyone else first it was my turn. And as my sister said, 'I took the ball and ran with it.' I pushed myself to the limits (and still do), try new things that I never have done before and never in a million years imagined I would do,