Sometimes we just need a break to deal with our shit

    I recently decided to take a break from social media and the stress associated with it. It wasn't something I consciously decided. But it made sense when I realized I hadn't posted in two days while I focused on the parts of my life that were weighing me down. One thing I have discovered about myself is that at heart I am a writer. Emotions that I keep locked inside because I do not know how to express them verbally spill out on the page when I decide to write. And I realized I haven't been writing much. I stopped journaling and writing this blog. I put my book on hold. And although my social media posts are writing for inspiration, I haven't been feeling very inspired lately because there are parts of me dealing with struggles I can't express. So for the last two weeks, I've turned away from social media to be more present and deal with my shit. And naturally, part of dealing for me is writing. So here I am back on my blog sharing my story. I hope parts of it resonate with you in some way. 

    I feel like this chapter of my life all started two years ago. My whole world changed in 2020. Dealing with the Covid quarantine and the whole world going crazy was only part of it. I had two injuries that sidelined me from powerlifting, lost my mother to cancer, a month later my brother died from an accidental overdose, and in the midst of all that grief and pain, I found myself struggling with problems at home and a feeling that my marriage was falling apart. I sank into a depression that was deeper than I realized. I let myself go, gained weight, cried, a lot, and had to force myself to be around people because it was better than being alone with my thoughts. I don't think I realized the depth of my grief until now. I felt stuck, anxious, regretful, betrayed, and depressed all at once. I had a really difficult time expressing what I was feeling to myself, let alone anyone else. I couldn't dig myself out of the grief. And then to have problems at home on the heels of these losses I felt like I was drowning and couldn't get my head above water. A friend told me that you only stay stuck as long as you allow yourself to be. Meanwhile, I felt like I was in the deep end and she was standing on my shoulders pushing me down while telling me to swim harder. I was a mess.

    I did a lot of thinking, overthinking, girl talk over wine, and reading or listening to podcasts and audiobooks. And when 2021 came I realized I had to take my own advice and make the decision to change my situation. I wanted my power back. I wanted to be happy and healthy again. That's when I found my way back to the gym and training. I had let myself go so badly that I gained over 40 lbs. I wanted the old me back and I knew the only way that was going to happen was to commit to the gym. So I joined a challenge and kicked butt losing 28 lbs in 12 weeks. I kept at it and lost another 15 lbs before the summer was over. I started to reconnect with my gym family and even made some new connections with powerlifters and bodybuilders who inspire me daily. I was feeling like my old self, was making diet and training my priorities, and felt most at home when I was at the gym. When the fall came I started going for new strength goals and killed every single one. And when 2022 came around I told my trainer I was ready for a bigger goal and wanted to compete on stage before the year is over. 

    But while all these positive things were happening to me I felt unhappy and displaced. And it wasn't until recently that I realized that I never really got over what happened in my marriage in 2020 and it was still affecting me. That unhappiness and a longing for something more created an internal struggle for me and I started to spend more time at the gym where I was most happy and less time at home dealing with my shit. I started to get this pang in my chest. a longing for something more, like the need to finish something important. Two weeks ago, as I sat in an Airbnb all alone and snowed in I came to realize I was distracting myself. I needed to write. I needed to finish the book I started. And what was distracting me and ultimately stopping me from doing that was the fact that I wasn't dealing with what was in front of me. That the only way the pang in my chest would cease is if I dealt with my shit, figured out how I really felt, and told the people who needed to hear what was on my mind and in my heart. I had been carrying it around for too long. And when the time came I asked my mom to help me put into words what was on my mind. I needed to be heard not judged or argued with. And if on the other side of that conversation things did not change or my feelings were the same then at least I knew I did what I needed to do. The conversation went so much better than I expected or imagined. 

    I'm still trying to figure things out but I am being more intentional and focused on what's important, looking for signs from the universe for the next right thing, and focusing on doing me and doing what makes me happy. A big part of that is setting my intentions each day, focusing on my goals, being present, writing, and staying off social media. For now.