Its scary to be vulnerable, but necessary for change

     I have been trying to figure out what I want to say in this blog post for the last week. I have literally sat down and started to write this post about a dozen times but then end up deleting, changing or starting it over. I kept changing my focus and couldn't put into words exactly what I wanted to say. In short, I guess I could say I had writers block. Maybe. I mean, it wasn't because I have a lack of things to say but more because I have so much to say. There have been so many changes in my life in the last few months. Positive changes. And big plans for the months to come. I get overwhelmed thinking about all the things I want to do. And to do them I need a plan because they are so far outside of my natural comfort zone. I've spent my entire life in the field of education and now my passion is healthy living and a positive mind set. The plans I have involve a major shift from my current career; writing a book, motivational speaking and becoming a nutrition coach, as well as, my physical goals and an interest in competitive powerlifting. It is scary and exciting at the same time and I feel so vulnerable as a result. On a daily basis I have over a dozen ideas spinning inside my brain. It's an incredible feeling. I can honestly say I haven't been this inspired in my entire life. But with that inspiration comes fear and self doubt. Doubt that I can do it or doubt that I will be successful at it. My life has shifted and my career needs to catch up and it feels like it will take forever. But on my drive home from work one day this week the song, "Legendary" by Welshly Arms came up on my playlist and it reminded me that to get people's attention you need to take a risk and you need to hold on. And to do legendary things is scary. Stepping outside my comfort zone is scary but that is where the adventure begins and I am ready to take the chance and do something different.

     Lately the things I am most passionate about have changed and my priorities have shifted. I no longer find satisfaction in my daily grind and I am longing for more...a lot more. First, I've started writing a book. Yes. The girl who told her college professor that she didn't want to be a writer because she didn't have enough confidence in her writing is writing a book. At the age of 48 I have been convinced by my trainer that I have a story to tell. While training with Brandon over the course of 8 months we had a lot of talks about training, nutrition and healthy living. But that is not all we talked about. We also talked about music, books, life experiences, our families, teaching, our interests and ambitions. And amongst those conversations I often shared experiences I went through during my 20 year abusive relationship with my ex-husband. Brandon would say to me, 'you should write a book!' and 'it would be inspirational to a lot of people in the same situation!' At the time I thought he was crazy and would tell him no one is going to want to read a book about a teacher from Pennsylvania. Then one day back in December I sat down at my computer and just started to write a book that contrasts the negative experiences of my past in an abusive marriage to my positive life focus today. I've written two chapters and have started a third. I am my biggest critic and on some days I get overcome with self doubt. I can't believe that anyone will want to read my story. On other days I am convinced it will be a best seller and any self doubt disappears. But all the work that goes into writing, editing, publishing and promoting a book is new to me and the whole process is very scary. This is where the doubt starts to get me and I feel vulnerable. When I expressed those doubts in a recent conversation with Brandon he gave me some good advice. He told me that even the most determined and successful people have chronic doubts. And that you just gotta keep reminding yourself that anything is possible and why not you? If someone's gonna do it why not be you? If you can visualize and work at something anything can happen. 

     As I write the book I think about how my story could inspire people who have been in an abusive relationship or people who are out of shape and think they are too old to make a positive change in their lives. Brandon had told me months ago that I would make a great motivational speaker. Again, I thought he was crazy. But then my husband told me the same thing after reading the first two chapters I have written. And some days I can imagine myself speaking to groups and motivating people to make positive changes in their lives. It can't be much different from getting up in front of a group of teenagers to teach a class. Motivational speaking seems like the natural next step after writing a book that has opened my eyes in many ways to what I went through and why. Writing my book has been a very emotional experience that has helped me find closure in the negative events of my past and come to terms with my own feelings. Over the years since my first marriage I have discovered what true happiness is and that I am in control of it. I've learned how to focus on the positive and live life, not just survive it. I often tell my students to learn from my mistakes and not be like me and take 20 years to find out you have control of your circumstances. So although I feel vulnerable about putting myself out there and speaking I remind myself that in many ways I am already doing that.

     I think the most ambitious thing I'm aspiring to do and the one that has my interests peaked as of late is the idea of getting certified as a nutrition coach. A few people have told me I should become a personal trainer but I have no interest in doing that. What I would really love to do is to help others learn how to eat healthy. For most of my life I was uninformed about the relationship between food and the body. I knew nothing about macronutrients or micronutrients, the biology of how food affects digestion and inflammation or how certain foods, herbs or spices have specific health benefits. I learned a lot since last year but I am still learning. The idea of educating myself and getting certified to help others is so appealing. I have already begun to look into programs and I hope to begin one soon.

     And while all these plans for the future swirl around me and occupy my thoughts I continue to train and workout six days a week, I've entered the Winter Transformation Challenge at Muscle Inc., I eat clean and do weekly meal prep, I teach full time and prepare lessons for four different courses, take care of my family, spend time with friends and have begun to cultivate an interest in powerlifting competitively. One of my problems is I tend to overthink things and that is when I feel most vulnerable because the doubt sets in and I have to consciously change my mindset. So what do I do when I get overwhelmed and have difficulty trying to see what steps to take? I make a list and then number everything in order of priority. The physical act of crossing things off helps so much. I often spend a good part of the day distracted thinking about when I can write or what I’m doing at the gym that day. But writing a list and keeping a schedule has helped me stay focused. I've also come to terms with the idea that it’s ok to feel vulnerable. Writing a book, motivational speaking, nutrition coach, competitive powerlifting, these are all things outside my comfort zone. If I just think about the reasons why I decided to do this in the first place and allow myself to be vulnerable, I can move passed self doubt and the change that once seemed scary will become success.

“SEE YOUR FUTURE I want you to imagine yourself a year from now. You know that in a year you are going to be different, whether you do nothing or something. And the choices you make between now and then will determine that difference. But for today, I want you to imagine owning all those other days. Visualize that you wake up with purpose and clarity. You push yourself against resistance. You take control of your diet and supplementation. You turn dead time into alive time. You work effectively and aren’t afraid to power down the engines to rest. You train your body into a durable, capable machine. You connect with yourself, your friends, and the universe. You turn sex into an adventure of pleasure. You go to sleep with a mission, and actually … sleep. Imagine what a year of living like that has done for you. Walk in the shoes of that new person. See yourself through that person’s eyes. Look in the mirror at that body. Maybe the circles under your eyes are gone, and that stubborn weight has lifted—mentally and physically. See what has happened in your career, and in your family. That person is you, on the other side of Resistance. If you see it clearly enough, it will be done.” ~ Aubrey Marcus, Own the Day, Own your Life