From gym newbie to powerlifter

     When I started training with Brandon Mauro in May of last year I never would have imagined the transformation journey I was embarking on. And I certainly would not have believed anyone if they had told me that this year I would be obsessed with reaching new goals in powerlifting. I can honestly say that at the time that I started training I had no idea what powerlifting was and I had never followed it as a sport. And last month when Brandon had suggested that I compete in a powerlifting meet, I was like 'yeah right.' I thought he was crazy. Back in November when he explained to me about deadlifts, progressive overload, PRs and deficits (See Deadlifts, progressive overload, PR max and deficits, yeah mind blown!) I thought it was amazing that he was sharing his knowledge and experience of lifting but didn't believe it would be something I could do. I mean, let's be honest, I'm almost 49 years old. Who waits until they're approaching their 50's to enter a sport and become an athlete for the first time in their life? Let alone, enter a sport that puts such strain on the body and the central nervous system. 

     But as the months progressed and I got into pulling and squatting heavier weights, I became obsessed with beating my own personal records and pushing the limits to see what I could do. And back in February when I joined the Winter Transformation Challenge at Muscle Inc. Brandon decided it was time for me to step up my game and suggested a stricter diet and more intense training that included core exercises and interval cardio. And as my body began to change, so did my views on lifting heavy. Even after moving to Arizona, in our weekly conversations Brandon continues to motivate me and inspire me to push myself beyond what I think I can do. After attending The Arnold expo last month and experiencing the energy of the crowd at a powerlifting event, I became interested in attending another one in the future. I went online looking for local events in powerlifting and discovered there was an event for rookies happening in the fall locally. When I mentioned it to Brandon, before I could say I wanted to go watch the meet he said to me "you should enter!" and I was like "I was just gonna go and watch." But he insisted that I should enter. But I went online a few days later to see what the entry fee was and was disappointed to find out the event was already full. And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do an event. Brandon agreed to coach me and explained how we would train to prep for a meet. So we decided I would enter an event in the fall of this year and I am getting more excited the more I think about it. I could not wait to see what I am capable of lifting.


     So I ended up finding out what I was made of sooner than I thought I would. There was a Push/Pull charity meet happening at Muscle Inc. on April 14 that I planned on attending. One day before the event I was training at the gym and mentioned to Bobby (trainer and owner of Muscle Inc.) that I was talking to Brandon about entering a USAPL event in the fall and Bobby suggested I enter the Push/Pull charity event on April 14. He told me it was the perfect opportunity to get my feet wet and see what I can do. When I mentioned it to Brandon he enthusiastically responded with, 'DO IT!' So I told Bobby to sign me up. At first I was just going to do the deadlifts because I never really do bench or pay attention to PR's or anything. I mean, I knew I would have to start paying attention if I was going to be doing USAPL events but up to this point I had no idea what I could lift on bench. Then Brandon told me it wasn't good to avoid something because you need to improve on it. "Powerlifting is an individual sport. It's you vs. you. Don't worry about anyone else. Do both and see where you are at and we can work from there." So I signed up for both one week before the event and would see where I was at with lifts when I trained that week. 

   Monday night, 6 days before the event I worked on my deadlifts and maxed out at 225 lbs for 4 reps. I had someone at the gym take a video so I could analyze it and send it to Brandon. I made it look easy and quite frankly, it felt easy. Starting with 225 for my first attempt at the meet should be cake. Tuesday night, 5 days before the event I worked on my bench press. Working the bench for me was a little different since I didn't know what I was capable of. I had struggled with tendonitis in both elbows and my left shoulder, had surgery on both my right wrist and my neck and dealt with carpal tunnel in my left wrist. My upper body was always my weak spot. I started with the bar and added plates until I worked up to and maxed out at 105 lbs for 2 reps. But I felt more comfortable with 95 lbs for 5 reps. The second rep at 105 lbs was a struggle and my arms were not steady. So I figured starting at 95 lbs for my first attempt at the meet would probably be best. 

     As the weekend approached I became more and more anxious about the event. It didn't help that nutrition-wise I was on my second week of zero carbs as I had started a cyclical keto diet on March 29. I couldn't wait for the weekend of the event for the carb days let alone the push/pull. The night before I got a pep talk from Brandon where he explained how a powerlifting event usually runs, the commands and the rules. He also recommended I pack a meal and a few snacks and be prepared to be there for a few hours. And as anxious as I was, after talking to him I felt a lot better about what to expect. Still, the next morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach and a pounding chest. I was nervous because of the 'unknown' element of doing something new but more so, I was excited to finally see what I would lift that day!

     And I was amazed at what I was able to lift at the push pull. The event was a huge success. I think Bobby said there were 40 lifters all together. When I arrived I registered, weighed in and they recorded my first attempt for both bench and deadlift. There was a bit of waiting around but finally the event started with bench. My first attempt at 95 lbs was good. Second attempt at 105 lbs was disqualified because I didn't wait for the command to rack it. So for my 3rd attempt I went for 105 again. Success. I was happy with what I pushed on bench but deadlifts were what I couldn't wait to do. I started with 225 lbs on my first attempt and as I figured it went up easy and didn't feel heavy at all. What I never imagined was pulling 250lbs for my second attempt and (holy cow!) 275 lbs for my third attempt. And even though my 275 lbs lift was disqualified for hitching (moving the bar up and down your thighs to get to the locked position) I’m still damn proud of myself for getting it all the way up and not dropping it! (see videos below) Next meet I will beat myself for sure! I’m addicted. The energy in the room was exactly as I imagined. It was that energy, the sound of people calling my name, yelling 'pull' on my last lift and cheering that gave me the drive to pull that last weight to the standing position and not drop it. I thought to myself, 'I am not dropping this bar. It is coming up!'

     It is amazing how much an event like that takes out of you. Brandon had told me it taxes the central nervous system but I never really imagined what he meant until it was all over. The next day I woke up feeling like I had been in a car accident, sore all over. Two days after the event my lower back was still very sore. Three days after the event I noticed bruises on my biceps and swelling on my wrists. By the fourth day I had charlie-horse pain in my left glute and hamstring. Brandon had told me to take a break from training to let my body recover and that is exactly what I did. I scheduled a massage and took it easy. It took me about a week to feel fully recovered. I have to say, at one point I thought to myself, 'I am never lifting again!' But when my body bounced back I thought to myself, 'What the hell was I thinking?" And Brandon has convinced me that when I do a future event with the proper prep, although I will still need time to recover, my body will be conditioned and prepared to lift heavier weights. And I cannot wait.

Yes, yes! I went to The Arnold...(a long overdue post)

Posing with the infamous Arnold Statue outside
the Columbus Convention Center

     This blog post is LONG overdue. I know. I have been so busy since I got back from the most amazing weekend I have ever experienced since I started this journey of self discovery and healthy living. I have run over in my head what I want to write about a dozen times but the time constraints of daily life (job, family, training, health coaching school, meal prep etc...) have made it difficult to find the time to sit down and write until now. So here ya go...

     Sometime back in February my friend Kim from the gym (I know. I chuckle when I say it t0o.) called me to ask if I wanted to go with her to The Arnold Expo. At the time I wasn't even sure I knew what The Arnold Expo was but had heard of it and knew that going to it would be an inspiring experience, an opportunity to see some of the world's best powerlifters and bodybuilders and a chance to get some free stuff (insert winky face here).  So for the month leading up to March 1st I spent time learning about the events at The Arnold, following the athletes on Instagram and getting psyched for that weekend. It seemed like it was so far away when we planned to go and then suddenly it was here and we were in the car on our way to Columbus!

     Living in eastern Pennsylvania, it didn't make sense to fly one state over. So Kim and I had decided to drive as far as Pittsburgh Thursday after work (about a 5 hour drive), crash at a Marriott and then hit the road to Columbus Friday morning (After a cardio workout, of course.) From Pittsburgh we would only have 2 1/2 hours left to drive. The ride Thursday night was smooth until we hit snow outside of Pittsburgh, adding an hour of stressful driving to our trip. Quite honestly, we were both so pumped for the weekend it didn't matter that we had been up since the early morning hours and worked all day before hitting the road. We stopped only once to get gas and coffees somewhere outside of Altoona, PA. It was shortly after we got back on the road that we started seeing plow trucks along the interstate standing at attention in the wake of the bad weather that was coming. When we hit the snow it was impossible to see the lanes. I fell in line behind a tractor trailer so I could follow his tracks. I looked in my rearview mirror and found a half dozen cars following my lead. I was never so happy to pull into a hotel as I was that night. It was midnight but Kim and I were both stoked for the next day. We sat up talking, ate (we had done meal prep for the weekend to ensure we stayed on plan) and finally fell asleep sometime after 1am.

Me and Kim representing Muscle Inc
at The Arnold 2019

      The next day we got up, did cardio, grabbed an Americano at Starbucks (yes, I have Kim hooked now too!), checked out and hit the road. We arrived in Columbus around 1pm, checked in and dropped off our bags and headed straight over to the expo. We parked about two blocks from the Columbus Convention Center. As soon as we got out of the car and started walking I could feel my chest pounding with excitement. The infamous Arnold statue stood outside the doors we entered and there was a line down the block of people wanting to take a picture in front of it. Kim and I decided we would get a picture the next day since we would be there earlier. The convention center was a ball of energy and excitement. The concourse was crowded but not impassable. There were vendors all along the concourse selling t-shirts and product, giving demonstrations and handing out ads. Every once in awhile we would pass a section where small free competitions were being held; amateur powerlifting, jumping rope, and arm wrestling to name a few. The thing I found most surprising were the food vendors selling pretzels, hotdogs and soda, something I never expected to see at a fitness expo. There was so much going on and we were only in the concourse!

With Michelle Warnky of American
Ninja Warriors at The Arnold 2

     Kim and I got our wristbands to enter the exhibit area and got in line. There were booths for all kinds of supplement companies, protein shakes galore, fitness clothing and lifting equipment. A number of the booths had resorted to using Insta model girls (many of whom looked like they had never lifted a weight in their life) dressed in skimpy outfits to attract expo-goers to sample or buy their product. I was impressed with the companies like Muscle Egg, for example, who had people working their booth who knew and stood by the product they were selling and were not just there because they had a pretty face and a skinny body. We stopped to watch powerlifting on the mainstage where I found the men who can deadlift 700 lbs plus most impressive. After eating a power lunch; salmon, rice with quinoa, and asparagus, from one of the vendors we headed back into the exhibit area and watched the amatuer bikini competition where the winner got her pro card to compete at the pro level. We walked around a little more and found a 'entry level' American Ninja Warriors course being run by none other than Michelle Warnky herself. We watched for a little while as people attending the expo paid $25 to attempt the course. (Not my thing) A few other ANW were there too, including, Captain NBC who ran the course a few times, as he was recovering from an injury. I called Michelle over at one point and took a picture. She was really cool to talk to and seemed really down to earth. 
   
     It was a this point we decided to call it a day and left the expo. Walking down the concourse we ran into Adam, a guy we know from Muscle Inc. We talked for a few minutes and then headed out. Kim must have some kind of lucky aura about her because on our way out to the car she found $30 just lying on the ground and no one around to claim it. Score! Parking money for tomorrow! We were both starving and decided to go out to eat for a cheat meal that night. Coming back to our room after dinner we spotted a large building with a coopula and Kim said, "That must be the capital. Let's take a drive by it!" As we drove towards it we realized it was NOT the capital. It was, in fact, a high class Hilton with almost the entire first floor a gym. As we both cracked up laughing, I jokingly told Kim that must be where Arnold is staying this weekend. We got back to our B & B and talked about what we would do the following day. We had decided we wanted to get tickets to go to the Arnold Classic bodybuilding prejudging on Saturday afternoon. Any opportunity to sit down and get away from the craziness of the expo exhibits sounded good to me. Plus, we would get to see the bodybuilding pros up close.

Came home with some pretty great
stuff from The Arnold

Living statues at the Columbus Convention
Center during The Arnold

     Saturday morning we got up early and were on our way to the convention center by 7am. We had no problem finding parking. Finding a clean, healthy breakfast, on the other hand, was another story. We were able to get coffee from a shop at the convention center but as far as eats went it was all pastries and carbs we didn't want to eat. They didn't even have oatmeal as an option. Hoping to find a few protein shake samples from vendors at the exhibit, we got in line to enter. We had early entry passes which allowed us to enter the exhibits an hour early with a special stamp on our hand. The line went rather quickly (once security filtered out anyone without the proper stamp on their hand). For the first hour we made our way to all the booths we wanted to visit before the craziness of the general public entering. Once the the doors opened to the public it was chaos! I mean, you could not move and I needed to get out of there. We weaved our way through the crowd to the exit and entered the concourse. We explored some of the exhibits like the 'Art at the Arnold' and went to view some of the free competitions happening along the concourse before heading out to find coffee at a local coffee shop a block from the convention center before going to the prejudging. 

     The prejudging, I have to say, was the most amazing part of the whole weekend. A year ago I had a completely different view on bodybuilding. After training for over nine months and seeing the work that goes into getting a body in shape and losing weight, I realize how much hard work, dedication and sacrifice goes into getting your body into that kind of shape. And yes, I realize that pro bodybuilders do not get that way without supplementation. But supplementation is just that, it supplements what you are already doing. No pro bodybuilder gets the physique they have by taking a magic drug. It takes nutritional discipline and beast-like training. It takes know how the body works and knowing how foods interact with fat loss and muscle gain. And the men and women we saw at The Arnold Classic were the epitome of it all. Next year, I definitely want to get tickets to the finals! 

  

     When Sunday morning came and we had to say goodbye to Columbus and head home I felt the pang of disappointment that it was all over for us. We left early trying to beat a snowstorm that was coming across the state of Pennsylvania that day. And although I was anxious to get home, I was also sad that the weekend was over. Spending time amongst so many like-minded people who value fitness, healthy living, clean eating and a positive mindset was so motivating and electrifying. It made me realize how much I love this new lifestyle that I have embraced and rejuvenated my drive to continue to strive to live my bed life and pursue my happiness. 

Failure can destroy you OR make you want it more

It is amazing how much a little set back can motivate you. In the moment of failure the disappointment can be overwhelming. But when it's all said and done, it is your mindset that determines what you do with it. You can let it destroy and defeat you or you can learn from it and use it to drive you to success. Before my trainer, Brandon, moved to Arizona I had decided I was going to squat 135 lbs for 8 reps. That accomplishment was huge for me because it meant I would be squatting a bar with two 45 lb plates on it. I was excited when I reached that goal in early December just a couple weeks before Brandon moved. (See Squat ass to grass or not at all) I felt great! So accomplished. So pumped. So ready to keep going to reach another personal record goal. 

But as fate would have it I lost my confidence after Brandon moved and I found myself doing volume squats at lower weights and avoiding the max rep I had accomplished in early December. Although I didn't realize it at the time, my confidence in my ability to do it on my own was not a strong as I had thought. See it took some time for me to get used to him not being there to motivate me and be my number one supporter.  I discovered this when at the end of December I attempted to set a new personal record at 145 lbs and failed. (see It's a mental thing) I attempted to increase my max rep but hadn't prepared myself mentally for that day. There were a few factors that caused me to fail. In addition to not being mentally ready, I was trying out a new lifting belt that my husband gave me for Christmas and it was my first heavy squat day since Brandon left and him not being physically there had an impact. In my head I had convinced myself that I needed Brandon there to do my max weight. When I attempted to squat 145 expecting to be able to and couldn't get passed 3 reps on the first set I was more than a little disappointed. I was mad at myself. Mad because I hadn't failed at any of the goals I had set for myself at the gym until that day. I messaged Brandon and told him I had failed. And although he tried to talk me down from my own self doubt and disappointment, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened. After that failure was in my head and it was hard for me to get passed it. It was all I thought about. 

Brandon gave me a pep talk and told me to not dwell on it and move on, that we all have bad days in the gym. So I took a step back and looked at the reasons I failed and made it my mission to get myself back into the mindset I needed to be in to accomplish a max weight squat. Like it or not, Brandon was gone and I needed to get used to it if I wanted to be successful. I needed to take my failure and turn it into motivation. I talked to Brandon and planned out how I would move back down to a weight I was comfortable with and then move up slowly to 135 again. I would begin to visual what I wanted to accomplish each squat day for the week before it happened. I would not let doubt enter my head. I wouldn't get discouraged and I would gradually increase my weight and celebrate success as I went. I did all this for the last six weeks and arrived at today confident that I could do my max rep squat once again.

So today I conquered my Everest. I went into the gym knowing I would do it, knowing I would be successful. I told Brandon when we talked last week that I knew I was ready. When I put the 45 lb plates on the bar I looked at them and thought 'wow, they are so much bigger than I remember.' Then I remembered Brandon saying to not be intimidated by the size of the plate and to have 'no fear, no doubt, bang it out!' The doubt lasted only for a split second. I had squatted 125 last Saturday. There was no reason to think I couldn't squat 135 today. As a precaution and to give my confidence a little boost I asked another trainer to spot my first set. I stepped under the rack and lifted the bar. My first thought was 'wow! This isn't heavy at all! I can do this no problem.' And I proceeded to squat for 8 reps. (which surprised the trainer spotting me since he thought I was going for 1). After that I felt confident to do another set on my own and even go for 10. Which I did. And then I even did another set of 10 to make it 3 sets total. I was so pumped I may have done a fourth set but I decided 3 was enough for today. After that the rest of my leg day workout seemed easy. I was so excited and proud of myself. It took a long time to get back to that moment and I did it.


It sounds a lot easier when said than done but taking a failure and turning it into motivation leads to success. It would be easy to take the failure and let it destroy me and give up. But my positive mindset pushes me to learn from the bad and turn it into good. It takes time, dedication and a plan. The positive mindset I have cultivated since I started training has made it possible for me to see that anything is possible, that failures do happen and that not everyday is a good day. And when I have a bad day at the gym or in life in general I now realize that I need to take a step back, evaluate the reasons why, come up with a plan that is doable, put that plan into action and be patient. In time, success will come and that failure becomes a moment I can be proud of. 

Its scary to be vulnerable, but necessary for change

     I have been trying to figure out what I want to say in this blog post for the last week. I have literally sat down and started to write this post about a dozen times but then end up deleting, changing or starting it over. I kept changing my focus and couldn't put into words exactly what I wanted to say. In short, I guess I could say I had writers block. Maybe. I mean, it wasn't because I have a lack of things to say but more because I have so much to say. There have been so many changes in my life in the last few months. Positive changes. And big plans for the months to come. I get overwhelmed thinking about all the things I want to do. And to do them I need a plan because they are so far outside of my natural comfort zone. I've spent my entire life in the field of education and now my passion is healthy living and a positive mind set. The plans I have involve a major shift from my current career; writing a book, motivational speaking and becoming a nutrition coach, as well as, my physical goals and an interest in competitive powerlifting. It is scary and exciting at the same time and I feel so vulnerable as a result. On a daily basis I have over a dozen ideas spinning inside my brain. It's an incredible feeling. I can honestly say I haven't been this inspired in my entire life. But with that inspiration comes fear and self doubt. Doubt that I can do it or doubt that I will be successful at it. My life has shifted and my career needs to catch up and it feels like it will take forever. But on my drive home from work one day this week the song, "Legendary" by Welshly Arms came up on my playlist and it reminded me that to get people's attention you need to take a risk and you need to hold on. And to do legendary things is scary. Stepping outside my comfort zone is scary but that is where the adventure begins and I am ready to take the chance and do something different.

     Lately the things I am most passionate about have changed and my priorities have shifted. I no longer find satisfaction in my daily grind and I am longing for more...a lot more. First, I've started writing a book. Yes. The girl who told her college professor that she didn't want to be a writer because she didn't have enough confidence in her writing is writing a book. At the age of 48 I have been convinced by my trainer that I have a story to tell. While training with Brandon over the course of 8 months we had a lot of talks about training, nutrition and healthy living. But that is not all we talked about. We also talked about music, books, life experiences, our families, teaching, our interests and ambitions. And amongst those conversations I often shared experiences I went through during my 20 year abusive relationship with my ex-husband. Brandon would say to me, 'you should write a book!' and 'it would be inspirational to a lot of people in the same situation!' At the time I thought he was crazy and would tell him no one is going to want to read a book about a teacher from Pennsylvania. Then one day back in December I sat down at my computer and just started to write a book that contrasts the negative experiences of my past in an abusive marriage to my positive life focus today. I've written two chapters and have started a third. I am my biggest critic and on some days I get overcome with self doubt. I can't believe that anyone will want to read my story. On other days I am convinced it will be a best seller and any self doubt disappears. But all the work that goes into writing, editing, publishing and promoting a book is new to me and the whole process is very scary. This is where the doubt starts to get me and I feel vulnerable. When I expressed those doubts in a recent conversation with Brandon he gave me some good advice. He told me that even the most determined and successful people have chronic doubts. And that you just gotta keep reminding yourself that anything is possible and why not you? If someone's gonna do it why not be you? If you can visualize and work at something anything can happen. 

     As I write the book I think about how my story could inspire people who have been in an abusive relationship or people who are out of shape and think they are too old to make a positive change in their lives. Brandon had told me months ago that I would make a great motivational speaker. Again, I thought he was crazy. But then my husband told me the same thing after reading the first two chapters I have written. And some days I can imagine myself speaking to groups and motivating people to make positive changes in their lives. It can't be much different from getting up in front of a group of teenagers to teach a class. Motivational speaking seems like the natural next step after writing a book that has opened my eyes in many ways to what I went through and why. Writing my book has been a very emotional experience that has helped me find closure in the negative events of my past and come to terms with my own feelings. Over the years since my first marriage I have discovered what true happiness is and that I am in control of it. I've learned how to focus on the positive and live life, not just survive it. I often tell my students to learn from my mistakes and not be like me and take 20 years to find out you have control of your circumstances. So although I feel vulnerable about putting myself out there and speaking I remind myself that in many ways I am already doing that.

     I think the most ambitious thing I'm aspiring to do and the one that has my interests peaked as of late is the idea of getting certified as a nutrition coach. A few people have told me I should become a personal trainer but I have no interest in doing that. What I would really love to do is to help others learn how to eat healthy. For most of my life I was uninformed about the relationship between food and the body. I knew nothing about macronutrients or micronutrients, the biology of how food affects digestion and inflammation or how certain foods, herbs or spices have specific health benefits. I learned a lot since last year but I am still learning. The idea of educating myself and getting certified to help others is so appealing. I have already begun to look into programs and I hope to begin one soon.

     And while all these plans for the future swirl around me and occupy my thoughts I continue to train and workout six days a week, I've entered the Winter Transformation Challenge at Muscle Inc., I eat clean and do weekly meal prep, I teach full time and prepare lessons for four different courses, take care of my family, spend time with friends and have begun to cultivate an interest in powerlifting competitively. One of my problems is I tend to overthink things and that is when I feel most vulnerable because the doubt sets in and I have to consciously change my mindset. So what do I do when I get overwhelmed and have difficulty trying to see what steps to take? I make a list and then number everything in order of priority. The physical act of crossing things off helps so much. I often spend a good part of the day distracted thinking about when I can write or what I’m doing at the gym that day. But writing a list and keeping a schedule has helped me stay focused. I've also come to terms with the idea that it’s ok to feel vulnerable. Writing a book, motivational speaking, nutrition coach, competitive powerlifting, these are all things outside my comfort zone. If I just think about the reasons why I decided to do this in the first place and allow myself to be vulnerable, I can move passed self doubt and the change that once seemed scary will become success.

“SEE YOUR FUTURE I want you to imagine yourself a year from now. You know that in a year you are going to be different, whether you do nothing or something. And the choices you make between now and then will determine that difference. But for today, I want you to imagine owning all those other days. Visualize that you wake up with purpose and clarity. You push yourself against resistance. You take control of your diet and supplementation. You turn dead time into alive time. You work effectively and aren’t afraid to power down the engines to rest. You train your body into a durable, capable machine. You connect with yourself, your friends, and the universe. You turn sex into an adventure of pleasure. You go to sleep with a mission, and actually … sleep. Imagine what a year of living like that has done for you. Walk in the shoes of that new person. See yourself through that person’s eyes. Look in the mirror at that body. Maybe the circles under your eyes are gone, and that stubborn weight has lifted—mentally and physically. See what has happened in your career, and in your family. That person is you, on the other side of Resistance. If you see it clearly enough, it will be done.” ~ Aubrey Marcus, Own the Day, Own your Life

What a difference a year makes

     It’s amazing the difference a year can make! It was only last year when I joined Muscle Inc. and started to make positive changes in my life. It took me another five months before I started training and really pumped up my motivation and progress. And now, I’m at the gym six days a week, lifting heavy and making max reps in squats and deadlifts, placing in the top 3 of challenges, eating clean, learning good nutrition and doing meal prep and loving every minute of it. 

     It has been a year to remember in my book. In fact, it doesn't feel like it has been a year. Since last January I’ve lost 42 lbs and 14+ inches and I feel amazing. Even better than what I've lost is what I have gained. I am at a point now where I often tell people that the gym fixes everything. I've got a migraine or pain in my shoulder? I go to the gym and do some cardio. The blood flow helps relieve the pain. Feeling exhausted on a Friday after work? I go to the gym and train and I get my second wind. Feeling stressed or overwhelmed? I go to the gym and work out my frustrations training or doing cardio. Fact of the matter is, I feel most comfortable at the gym and training has literally saved my life. Last year I had frequent migraines, tendonitis, bursitis and arthritis (yes all three!) in my shoulder, asthma and aches and pains in my knees, neck, elbows and wrists. I was on medication for my asthma and allergies and pain medication for my shoulder and migraines. Now a year later I rarely take prescription drugs and opt for a workout instead. Eating clean has changed me too. Over Christmas when I fell off the clean wagon for a few days I noticed my skin started to break out (from all the junk I was consuming no doubt). Once I got clean again my skin cleared up. I have more energy now and sleep better. And overall, I have a more positive life focus. I look at life very differently now and have different priorities. Not that I am happy all the time. But that I know even when times are tough that better ones are inevitable. 

     And I'm not done. I won't ever be done. I still have 30 lbs I want to lose and muscle I want to gain. Beyond that I have goals in lifting as well. And as Brandon once said to me, "You're a gym rat now. There will always be another goal." And it's true. I will never be satisfied. I am not at the point yet where I can relax because I'm still transforming. I am 'under construction.' I'm still learning. Training on my own is very different from training with a trainer. But Brandon instilled in me a drive and equipped me with the tools and skills to train on my own. When he left I had eight sessions that we did not finish. So for the last couple weeks I've been working with Marissa from Transform PT. Marissa has a different approach to training than Brandon but works me just as hard. And in just two weeks the next Transformation Challenge begins and I'm hoping it is just the push I need to get to my transformation goals. 

     This year I've been inspired by some pretty amazing people along the way of my journey. People who continue to inspire me including my trainer Brandon, and the trainers at Transform PT, Marissa, Bobby, and Scott. I've found camaraderie with others on their own transformation journeys like, Kimberlee, Nanci, Maggie, Wendy and Raquel. And I could never thank my sister, Anna, enough for talking me into joining Muscle Inc. in the first place. 


     Looking forward I have goals that go beyond the gym. I am happy to be inspiring others to make a change in their lives and want to take it one step further. I've begun writing a book that chronicles the contrast between my life in an abusive first marriage with my positive life focus now and how training has changed my life. I see a future in motivational speaking. I have aspirations to learn more about nutrition and possibly pursue a degree so I can help others embrace a clean and healthy diet. And I also envision a year of gains at the gym going beyond what I ever imagined I was capable of doing and maybe even competing in women's powerlifting. So yes, I am not done and as a gym rat there will always be another goal.  And I am ready for the next leg of this new life I have embraced. 

It's a mental thing

     The last two weeks I have been trying to focus on my workouts and being in the moment when I am at the gym. As Brandon advised me, I put my earbuds in and focus and get it done. It has been almost a month since Brandon moved out to Arizona to pursue the next adventure in his career and it has taken some getting used to on my part. Having spent six days a week with him in November and December, I got used to his constant coaching, mentoring and motivational mantras. Working out on my own is a whole different ball game. On one hand, I don't have the distraction of conversation and I can get my workout done more quickly. But on the other hand, I liked the conversations we would have and working out on my own means being able to recognize when small adjustments need to be made to the workout because I am improving. Brandon continues to guide me in my workouts and nutrition remotely but its not the same thing as him being there in the moment. It is for this reason that I recently realized I need to get into my head and focus on my goals before I actually walk through the gym doors. 

Equipped with the new lifting belt my husband got me,
I thought I was ready for heavy squats and a new
PR but my head wasn't in it.

     I am a gym rat. I know that about myself now. I LOVE going to the gym. I LOVE working out. And I have goals beyond the goals I've already set. Recently, I found myself contemplating the idea of competing in powerlifting some day in the future. Crazy? I think not. And Brandon agrees. I will never be satisfied and will always strive for new personal goals; right now the first of which is to get my weight down another 20-30 pounds to the weight I was most comfortable with in my past while building muscle and getting in kickass shape. But my goals don't stop there. I want to be strong. And I want to prove to myself how strong I am with my lifting. I've never felt so passionate about anything for myself like this before. But in order to reach my goals it's about more than just physical strength. It's about mental strength. 

     I discovered just how mental it is on December 30. Almost two weeks ago I attempted a heavy lifting leg day and disappointed myself when I didn't achieve a new PR (personal record) for a max rep. My previous max was 135 for 2 sets of 8 reps; a milestone achievement for me. (See Squat ass to grass or don't squat at all). So on December 30 my goal was to go up to 145 for 8 reps. But this was my first heavy squat day since December 4, almost a month before. AND it was my first heavy squat day since Brandon moved to Arizona. I went to the gym thinking I was in the right mindset and ready for the workout. When in reality I wasn't. 

     According to Brandon, “You gotta be mentally right for top sets, it’s not something you can just walk into the gym and do! You have to know you’re going to the gym, you have to visualize the set in your head days before, you have to have a specific number and rep range in mind and get it no-matter what!” And on that day I pretty much just walked into the gym thinking I would do it. I woke up that day unsure whether or not I would have time to make it to the gym in the first place because we had family coming over to celebrate a late Christmas. When I realized I had time to go it was rushed and last minute. I hadn't visualized anything when it came to my squats that day. I walked into the gym ready with the lifting belt my husband gave me for Christmas. But that wasn't enough for a successful heavy squat workout. Standing in front of the squat rack looking at myself in the mirror and visualizing the squat minutes before I attempted it was not enough. I didn't realize that at the time but my mind just was not in it.

     I worked up to my previous max weight of 135 lbs (2-45lb plates) by starting with 95 lbs (2-25lb plates) and adding weight until I got to 135 lbs. When I reached 135 (with a spotter at my back) I did what Brandon always called 'the one before the ONE.' One squat at 135. Tight. Clean. Smooth down and then up. But on that day I decided I would do the ONE x 3. And although it had been almost a month those three reps went pretty easy. So you would think that ten pounds more would be no problem. And if my head had been in it, if I had visualized the set days prior and gotten mentally prepared for it, it would have been no problem. My first attempt to do 145 x 8 reps was an epic fail. I got to 3, struggling on the way up on the last rep. When it was over, disappointed with myself, I texted Brandon to tell him that I had failed at getting a new PR.  I decided to wait and try again, thinking the reason was I hadn't had enough of a rest period between sets. I tried again. This time I made it to 5 reps but struggled with the last rep again. When I checked my phone again Brandon had advised me to go down in weight but by that time I had already finished on the rack and moved on. I had disappointed myself to the point that I needed to step away from the barbell. The second exercise on the workout for that day was front squats (a squat with the barbell set across the front of your shoulders) and I didn't even attempt them. When I reported back to Brandon what I had completed for that day's workout he asked me "what does 'not touching this one' mean?" 

     And what it meant was that I had, as I often do, overthought what I had to do. My head wasn't in it. It was a bad squat day. I needed a pep talk. Getting mentally into the exercise requires more than just showing up. After that day's workout I started to think more about what I was going to do at the gym each day, set daily goals and achieve baby steps that add up to bigger goals. Some days the goal may be just to get to the gym. Other days it may be visualizing a set I want to achieve. But in the end mind over matter is what it boils down to. If my head isn't in it, chances are my body won't be either. 

Difficult situations challenge and change us

     "Wim Hof owns two dozen extreme sports world records. He has run a marathon above the Arctic Circle with no shirt on. He has hiked past the death zone on Mount Everest...He's isn't a daredevil. He's just dared to tap the potential we all have inside, by exposing his body to the resistance of extreme natural stressors, so that it - and he - may grow stronger as a result... We could be him if we made some of the same choices he has made. Instead, most of us have shied away from exposure to the acute stress of difficult conditions. We choose cozy over cold, automatic over intentional, and with nothing to harden us, we get soft." 

~ Aubrey Marcus, Own the Day, Own your Life

     While listening to the audiobook Own the Day, Own your Life by Aubrey Marcus, I came across this quote in the beginning chapters of the book. It stuck with me. I hadn't heard of Wim Hof before but he sounded like a person I would love to meet and even hear him speak about pushing the limits and going to extremes in order to grow.  Now, I haven't broken any extreme sports world records but I have pushed myself to the extreme and grown from it. In the last seven months I have pushed myself physically and have grown mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And as I look over the years of my life I realize just how much I have grown sometimes being pushed to the extreme not by choice but by circumstance. As I move forward, I keep striving for the challenge, trying to crush goals and put myself to the test, not choosing comfort over difficult conditions. Because let's be real. The adventure begins at the end of your comfort zone. Difficult or uncomfortable situations challenge and change us but as Aubrey Marcus says in his book, we often choose what is comfortable or in some cases what is convenient. And when we choose comfortable over challenging we don't grow. When I look back over my life there are three circumstances that have helped me grow as a person. First, my relationship with and marriage to my first husband. Second, my relationship with and marriage to my second husband. And third, my friendship and experience with my personal trainer. All three situations put me in uncomfortable or difficult situations in one way or another. And I have grown from each relationship.

     My relationship and marriage to my first husband spanned over twenty years. We met when we were both in our 20's. He was my first real boyfriend. The first guy to ask me if he could kiss me on our first date. He was a drummer and played in a band. I fell for him the first time we spoke. We dated for about a year before I realized his drinking was out of control but by that time I was hooked. I had convinced myself that we were both in our 20's and that it was normal to drink. I ended up pregnant a year later. His drinking persisted. We separated. Got back together. And separated again. What followed after the birth of our son was two decades of a vicious cycle of alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illness and abuse sprinkled with some good times. I stayed focus on raising our son and giving him a happy upbringing which was sometimes difficult to do. Over the years my emotional well being was pushed to the limits. By the end I was defeated, stripped of my self esteem and broken. I had asked myself when my happiness was going to matter because I had spent the better part of 20 years taking care of everybody else. When my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder early on in our relationship, I stood by his side while he went for treatment. I learned everything I could about the disorder, joined chat rooms looking for advise, spoke to friends who had similar experiences and went to every doctor appointment with my husband. In reality nothing I did was enough. It wasn't something that could be simply fixed with meds. It was finding the right combination of meds that worked, knowing that once his body got used to them we would need to change it up and the vicious cycle would start again. It was mood swings, binge drinking, ups and downs, hope when things were going good and crushing disappointment when they suddenly went bad again. In the moment I didn't realize the extremes I was being pushed to emotionally and mentally. But when I look back at that part of my life I realize that I have grown from it. I have learned to be a more caring person. I learned that I cannot fix everyone and that sometimes just being there is enough and other times it doesn't make a difference. I learned that sometimes the best thing you can do is leave. And when I realized how all this affected my son, I learned that love is stronger than we think sometimes.

     When my first marriage ended I met my now second husband. Actually, we had met when we were in our 20's and had dated briefly prior to my meeting my first husband. So it is ironic that he reconnected with me after I left my first husband. In the beginning, our relationship was strained. When we were together and the rest of the world didn't matter I was the happiest I had been in years. He made me feel like I mattered (still does) and it was the little things that made me the happiest like on my birthday when he made dinner and we drank wine and danced in the living room until it was the music stopped. Everything was right with the world. But amidst all the happiness I was dealing with an ugly divorce, jaded ex-husband and an angry teenage son. My decision to leave had turned everyone's world upside down. I dealt with guilt and depression and was pushed to a different kind of emotional extreme. In the beginning my new life was in stark contrast with my old and they were constantly overlapping. The extreme of the situation was coming to terms with how my son felt and realizing that my now second husband didn't understand the unconditional love I felt for my son. It put me in a position I did not like between two people I cared so much about. But I have learned from this extreme situation and have grown as a person from it. I have found that sometimes you need to depend on yourself and stand up for yourself although my emotional growth took a while. It was three and a half years ago when my now husband proposed to me on the Eiffel Tower in Paris and then gave me the fairy tale wedding of my dreams. It was then that my son realized how happy I am. And I am happiest when everyone I care about gets along and when I don't feel like I am in the middle. After seven and a half years I am finally at a point where I feel this way most of the time. Having gone through the difficult, uncomfortable situation helped me grown and learn to speak what I was thinking and how I felt, something I never did in my first marriage.

     In the two and a half years I have been married to my second husband I have learned to focus more on me. It was with this in mind that I joined Muscle Inc last year and then signed up for a personal trainer in June. And working with a personal trainer has given me new focus on what I want to do for me. I had told my husband that 'if I did this (work with a personal trainer) then I was all in. Whatever the trainer suggests, I'm there. Whatever he wants me to do, I'm doing it. Whatever I have to start doing or give up, I was going to start or stop. I wanted to make a lifestyle change and take better care of myself. After 20 + years of putting everyone else first it was my turn. And as my sister said, 'I took the ball and ran with it.' I pushed myself to the limits (and still do), try new things that I never have done before and never in a million years imagined I would do,